By Upatissa Pethiyagoda –

Dr. Upatissa Pethiyagoda

This may be of some interest to readers for two relevant reasons. One being the drama related to the Speaker, Dr/Mr Ranwala on the issue of what prefix to his name he should use (There being no change to his being “The Honorable”). This big question has led to great debate in the Press (Mainly in the on-line “Colombo Telegraph). The second reason, being the claim that political acts in Sri Lanka are based on Science. The man who wished to give form to this lofty theory, was Mr. Gotabaya Rajapaksa, who assembled a group of “Scientists”, under his “Viyathmaga”, cynically mis-spelt by some as “Vipathmaga”, which met an untimely and ignoble retreat to oblivion. He feasted on the Myth of “Organic Agriculture,” fed to him by no less a person than a Paediatric Neurologist, seconded by a Priest, and supported by a (disputed) Professor of Surgery, who together, made a “Pigs’ Breakfast” of the paddy farmers’ lives. Lesson unlearnt, being that in matters of fertilizer usage, it would be better met, by seeking the guidance of Soil Scientists, rather than medics (who of course have their uses).

The writer admits that this is downright plagiarism, of an unknown author, on a matter of importance, being less than a week away from  Christmas. Enjoy “Seasonal Fun”.

“Christmas is now before us. Children the World over, have peered into their stockings, played with their toys, having promised to be good boys and girls, during the next year, awaiting Santa’s next coming. Santa himself is a cheery guy, decked in a bright red, loose fitting, flowing Ermine cloak with white frills. When in ermine cloak , chanting through a face, with cheerful ruddy cheeks, and with white frills, and a tuneful song, would begin getting them laundered, dried and packed away and awaiting Santa’s next annual run. Santa himself is a rotund, cheery guy, decked in his bright red flowing robe with white frills.

As we approach the festive Season, children across the Globe hang up their stockings and seek gifts from Santa Claus, promising to be good throughout the next year.

He is a rotund, cheery guy – red cheeks, flowing white beard and bright red overcoat, and a heavy sack of goodies to give good little children, who have behaved well since the Christmas before.

In Temperate countries, he slides down the chimney, looking for the stockings hung out by hopeful children. That done, he climbs back on to his sled and skates along to his next destination. Children of mainly cold countries have chimneys In their homes, although they seem too narrow for his well-rounded body, he somehow wriggles down the chimney.

As a country whose governments pledge to commit themselves (like ours), to “Scientific Governance”, we owe it to ourselves to address the questions in spite of our ongoing Corona Pandemic.

Now to the numerical part to test the “Santa Hypothesis”. The following Physics calculations are not original and are based on an article in the renowned scientific Journal, “The SPY magazine” (January, 1990), for any who wish to refer to the original.

No known species of Reindeer can fly. But there are about 300,000 species of living organisms, yet to be classified. While most of these are Insects, Germs and pesky viruses (eg SARS, Ebola and now, Covid-19) we cannot completely rule out flying reindeer, remembering also that Sri Lanka is a “Hot Spot “ for endemics and some of our species are listed in the IUCN’s “Red List” as endangered.

There are approximately two Billion children, that is persons under 18 or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes. Presuming that there is at least one good child per household, Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas on Earth, (thanks to different Time Zones and the rotation of the earth). Assuming an East to West trajectory (which seems logical), this works out to 967.7 visits per second. Which is to say that, for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park his sleigh, jump down or hop out, creep down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jumps into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of the 108 million stops are evenly spaced around the Earth (which of course, we know to be false) but will accept for our present purpose, we are now talking about, 0.78 miles between houses, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or other breaks. His warm clothes and outside snow, would compete with each other to determine how many leak-stops will be needed.

This means that Santa’s sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of calculation, the (hitherto) fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses Space Probe, moves at a mere 27.4 miles per second. An average earth-bound Reindeer can run (at best), 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized LEGO Set, (Two pounds each), the sleigh is hauling over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. An average adult male Reindeer (Arctic species), weighs around 300 pounds. Even granting that the “Flying Reindeer” can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them.

The best available and updated Census, estimates a population in the Arctic Circle of around 396 million reindeer. With a reduced “Draw-down” of Christmas Trees in the near future, under the “New Normal” forced by the Corona Pandemic, “Green Peace” has expressed its elation and lauded the consequent environmental benefits.

Santa’s annual requirement presently stands at 54,000 tons or roughly seven times the weight of the “Queen Elizabeth” – no, the ship, not the late Monarch.

A mass of 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air-resistance and heat generation and would heat up the reindeer (plural) in the same fashion as a Spacecraft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.

The lead pair of Santa’s Reindeer, will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, since Santa accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps, in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g. Even a 250- pound Santa (which seems ridiculously low, considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years), would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering lump of pink mush.

Therefore, if Santa ever existed, sometime in the past, he must now be dead.

Merry Christmas, and a glorious 2025 to all.

“Nettle Grub”